Playdates

Playdates have always been hard. Think about it. How long do you suppose a 4-year-old's attention span is? 10 minutes? 5? Less? Yep, probably less. How about a 3-year-old? A kid who has seen just 24 cycles of the moon?

Historically, on a playdate, my boy and his "friend" may engage in parallel play, or even actual play with each other for a moment...then the attention span wanes (at least for the buddy) and off one of them goes...fast and probably down or up some stairs. Good luck with that, little boy who can't walk. Time to play alone again.

No malice or rudeness was ever involved. The 4- or 3- or 2-year old was just being a 2- or 3- or 4-year old. But, it sucked. It really, really, really sucked...for me that is. My boy didn't seem to really care. He's always been perfectly happy playing on his own.

Preschool recess was the same deal. It's impossible to count how many tiny pieces my heart disintegrated into when my boy told me "they don't want to play with me" when describing his classmates on the playground. Pure rage and abject sadness are apparently complimentary feelings.

It didn't help that my boy adopted a detached attitude about it all. He made no real effort to initiate play or change the status quo. He just played by himself. Frustrating for a father who wants his kid to be the center of everyone's universe (not just my own).

And, it created a chicken and egg problem. Were there no playmates who engaged with him for more than a few minutes because he acted like he just didn't care, or did he retreat into himself as a defense mechanism because he quickly learned that able-bodied kids his age would leave him behind? And, I harkened back to me at that age. I could (and did) play for hours on end alone up in my room with GI Joes, Star Wars toys, or superheroes. I was perfectly content.

Ah, the confusion and competing feelings emerge. As in much of this journey, it is hard to figure out what part of any action, attitude, or personality trait is due to the physical condition and which is just who the kid is.

So where are we now? As readers know from my last post, Kindergarten is going swimingly. But what of recess? What of playdates? Well, my boy's teacher reports that he's in surprisingly great shape at recess because there is a cadre of kids who want to play with him. That's pretty great. Still, my boy acts pretty nonplussed...even uninterested at times...but he is warming up to the attention.

But what of playdates you ask (remembering the title of this post)? Promising I reply, at least based on two very recent playdates with his best friend from Kindergarten. Hours of playing together, talking together, being friends together. That's pretty awesome.

I still don't know if all this fretting about playdates is really an issue for my boy, or just me projecting my worries and frustrations on him. Probably a fair mix of both and only time will tell how it will shake down.

A blessing in disguise

Okay, I'm back (in case anyone missed me). Boy, it has been a busy-beyond-belief six months. So much to say (get over yourself, dude), so little time to say it. So, let's dive right in.

As of the last post, I was less than happy, and more than a little worried and stressed-out about where my boy would go for kindergarten. Because public schools in my town are largely selected by lottery, there was no guarantee that we'd get into the seemingly excellent neighborhood school. As luck (or fate) would have it, however, we won the lottery. I can't say it was just luck-- we made my boy's IEP was written to emphasize the importance of the local school and to preview the shit-storm we would cause if assigned to a school that was not up to snuff. (an IEP, or Individual Education Plan, is the document negotiated with the school district that specifies the services needed for any child entitled to "special education").

So, it is now more than two months into the school year and I could hardly be more pleased. Let's start with the IEP meeting itself, which was over the Summer. I have read many horror stories by parents who had to fight tooth and nail for even the most basic services. Especially in the midst of a budget crisis, school districts often cut corners and limit services as much as possible. The IEP that came out of this meeting would be the blueprint for a year, and can be hard to change. So, we went in loaded for bear. I decided I would fight like hell for everything my boy might need. It really isn't a lot, but it is a constant throughout the day.

His needs are purely physical. For example, he needs someone to transfer him from his powerchair to the rug on the floor, or his low cube chair, for morning circle. He needs help to pick up markers or pencils, to reach things that he can't access, and to open his lunch box. I also wanted to have a "para-professional," as they are called, available for safety -- to make sure he doesn't fall over when sitting on the floor -- and to make necessary adaptations -- with writing utensils or with objects that have to be manipulated as part of a lesson, for example. It is little things, but lots of little things throughout the day. So I was hell-bent on getting him "100% designated adult support"--in other words, making sure that a paraprofessional was always available as needed for the entire school day. This, I understood from my research, was the brass ring that is entirely justified for kids with SMA, but is as elusive as a rent-controlled apartment on the Upper East Side in Manhattan.

So, I headed to the IEP with extensive notes and prepared for a tussle. I was not, however, prepared for what actually happened. The principal announced that my boy would get 100% designated adult support before we even asked for it. Not only that, he proclaimed that the school district would renovate the bathroom next to my boy's classroom to add an accessible stall. Otherwise, he explained, they would no longer be able to count on all the good press they get from him (he's a superstar principal who has been written up not only in the local paper, but also major national newspapers).

Wow. It is hard to express how wonderful this was. Not just because we got the support needed to provide the educational setting my boy needs (and that he and every other child deserves), but also because it showed the he was welcome at this school. The tone set by the principal was the exact opposite of the message we got from the head of school at the private school we pay an insane amount of money for my girl to attend.

Okay, so far so good, I thought. But, would there be follow-through? Wasn't this too good to be true? Apparently not. We just had our first parent-teacher conference and the only real issue with the support my boy gets is that one of the team of paraprofessionals does a bit too much for him--intervening when he really can do something for himself, even if a bit difficult. I must say, that's a good problem to have. Still important to address because he needs to be pushed to do all he can and not use his physical limitations as an excuse for the easy way out, but nonetheless a far better problem to have than neglect, lack of support, and miserly and begrudging "services."

So, the private school's decision was a blessing in disguise. They were not prepared to do it right, so better that they didn't try. I still don't like the way the message was delivered and was offended by the attitude and ignorance demonstrated by the head of school, but it worked out just as it needed to.

It’s the hypocrisy that bothers me

So I live in a city where few things are more stressful or difficult than getting your kids into school. Due to a long history of segregation, public school assignments are not based on neighborhood, but on some black-box formula that ends up using parental education as a proxy. So, my daughter got assigned to a failing school located across from an open-air drug market. It’s a system with good, laudable motivations that ends up not solving the problem at all and, in fact, exacerbating racial and social divisions. When my daughter was applying for Kindergarten (first, how screwed up is it that you have to “apply” for Kindergarten?), she did not get into the excellent public school that is literally a block from our house. But, she did get into one of the most coveted private schools in the city—a school we loved for its inclusive philosophy and professed commitment to diversity and difference. I really wanted to send her to that school because not just because it would be great for her, but also because I thought it would be a welcoming place for our family and for my boy when it came time for him to go to Kindergarten.

The school’s website lauds its dedication to a diverse community and a “diverse learning environment,” and speaks of commitment to “an awareness that we each have distinct power” and emphasizes that “community members represent a diversity that encompasses differences in the human experience.” Pretty cool, huh? I thought how wonderful not just for my able-bodied daughter, but also for my boy. At the school tour, the P.E. teacher even talked about tailoring physical education to each student’s abilities and recognizing the difference in physical attributes among the community of students. Wow, how cool. How inspiring. How encouraging.

What crap.

My boy is going to Kindergarten in the Fall, so we opened a dialog with my girl’s school about it. We were very open about our concerns, recognized the investment the school would have to make to commit to true inclusion, and I assumed my boy would be welcomed. I assumed that this elite private school with the great philosophy would realize what my boy’s preschool had realized—that not-insignificant, but not massive adaptations are all that he needs and that he adds so much to any community that welcomes him. That the “burden” of helping him open his lunchbox, transferring him from powerchair to floor, and even assisting with toileting is minimal in comparison to what he brings to the community. Not just because of the benefit of a community replete with diversity, but also because he is so sweet, so smart, and so damn witty/funny. The able-bodied students are enriched, the teachers are enriched, the whole god-damned community is bettered. And, it’s easy. My boy has his physical challenges, but he is not burdened with behavioral or cognitive challenges. He makes it easy for a school to achieve its “diversity” commitment with just a few simple adaptations—rearrange the tables to there’s a bit more space to accommodate his powerchair, commit to some physical assistance, take some extra care that he doesn’t tumble over while sitting on a chair or the floor.

So, when my wife and I were summoned to a meeting with the head of school and director of admissions, I imagined it was so they could reassure us that they will do what is needed to meaningfully include him in the class and that they couldn’t wait for him to join the community. I actually expected that they were going to sell us on why we could trust them with our boy. How naïve was I? I imagine it’s obvious by now that they did not assure us of anything. Instead, they told us that the school is “just not right” for my boy.

Obviously, that was a disappointment. But, that’s not what really sticks in my craw. Certainly, I’m not happy that they were so limited in their thinking that they could not see the benefits the school would get by welcoming my boy. But what really bothers me is the way they delivered the message. In my view, they were dishonest and hypocritical. They could have said that accepting and including my boy was a commitment they just are not prepared to undertake. They could have explained that they worried about limited resources they have for “special needs” students, and that they just are not set up to address those needs and don’t want to make the effort to do so. That would have been honest. Disappointing, but honest.

Instead, they fell into bureaucrat and apologist mode. Telling us how “special” our boy is, how wonderful and smart, but he just “would not get what he needs” in their program. Theirs is a very “hands on” learning environment, they said (rather condescendingly). Okay, but (1) my boy does have hands, and (2) its Kindergarten for god’s sake…”hands on learning” is sort of the definition of such early education, right? No, they explained, they just worried that my boy couldn’t participate in everything, so (again) he wouldn’t get what he needs. Well, (1) his life is and will always be a life of not being able to participate in everything an able-bodied person can do…at least not in the traditional, typical way…but that’s okay. He doesn’t need to run to understand what running is. And, (2), I will decide what my boy “needs” and what is right for him, thank you very much…at least until he is old enough to make those decisions himself. How dare you tell me what is and is not “right” for him. And, if you “compliment” him one more time while delivering this message that he is unwelcome, I’ll scream.

I didn’t scream. But, I did say that their rejection, no matter how “considered,” was really just bigotry. And, I made the point that throughout history much has been done to oppress the powerless under the guise of acting “for their own good.”

I don’t think I’ll be invited to join the board of directors of the school anytime soon…

So, where does this leave my boy? Luckily, this rant has a happy ending. He got into the local public elementary school. It is absolutely the best result, and even if he had gotten accepted at the private school, we would have sent him to the public school. The public school principal is a rockstar, who has already been more welcoming, friendly, and interested in our family than the head of a school to which we pay an obscene amount of money in tuition every year. The public school is so close to our house that my boy can roll on up the street to get there every morning—providing a significant level of independence (not to mention ease). And, the public school has a legal duty to do all the things that any school should want to do on its own to provide a meaningfully inclusive learning environment.

In the end, what still bothers me is not the result, but the disheartening dishonesty displayed by the private school. I expected much more. Their fucking loss.